So I was told that blogging had to be a bit more than drunken ramblings… which is a darn shame because drunken ramblings happen to be my forte. After my extensive blogging research, I have found that according to some housemom who makes more than her husband thanks to the 20 pop ups that makes her recipe impossible to read, I have to have a “specialty”. Since drinking is only now becoming recognized for its beauty and I happen to be ahead of the curve, I am going to make this little venture of mine about cooking as well!
Yes, I do happen to know how to cook.
It’s my second favorite activity, after drinking.
SO what’s it like to cook with Ashley? Well she usually starts off with a glass of wine and has a clear and concise “recipe” in her mind. She then sets out to cook, doesn’t like the color of the sauce so she adds some ketchup and then realizes it’s too thin so she grabs some flour and frantically tries to get rid of the flavorless clumps that the flour creates and then she over salts and then adds more broth and then she melts a bunch of cheese on top and somehow…..Shit. Is. Delicious. Every time! So if you’re here for the recipes, try not to take them too literally. As with anything I say.
Following a recipe step by step is only necessary when you’re making a soufflee and why the fuck would you be looking at MY blog if you’re the kind of person who makes a soufflee? Right, so try getting inspiration from my recipes and build off of it. This way you’re only semi lying when you tell your friends that you thought up that wonderful beefless beef stew all on your own…. That’s the rationalizing that I use after all.
GASP! Yes, I happened to have pulled inspiration from other people’s recipes in making my own masterpieces. Not much of an innovator over here.
PS. HOW THE HELL DO YOU SPELL SOUFFLEE??!!?? My computer wouldn’t autocorrect and I’m too lazy to google it.
PPS. I’m a vegetarian, so maybe you should just come back for the drunken ramblings?
Beefless Beef Stew
- Cubed Seitan- some shit I bought from Sprouts… or was it Trader Joes?
*I heard you can make your own. Maybe next time
- Beefless Beef Bouillon cubes microwaved with some hot water
- Carrots, Celery, Potatoes
Yes, I took this photo. Can I be inducted into the Cool Blogger Mom Club now?!
- Fresh Rosemary and Thyme because I was feeling fancy but honestly, just use more of the dried shit if you don’t have the time or the sharp knife to deal with fresh herbs. I seriously couldn’t tell the difference but it did look super fancy in my Snapchat videos that only my mom and my friend Deja cared to watch (Y’ALL THE MVP’S DOE).
*Just know that dried herbs lose potency so if you a lazy bitch (my favorite type use twice as much fresh herbs as whatever Soccermom recipe you’re reading.
**But make sure you don’t over do it. I have had caramelized onions that I spent 3 hours cooking to perfection be ruined in a gravy because my ass was sippin on the Micheladas a little too hard and dumped a handful of thyme in that bitch. Travesty.
- Garlic. Buttloads. Serious garlic probz. Recipe says 2 cloves? That’s cute. Try 6 of the big outside cloves and about 17 of the smaller inside cloves
- 1 large onion. You guys know the fancy trick to cut onions right? I always see these cute little tidbits about how to cut stuff and make yummy sauces or whatever that are included in the recipe and I like those so click here to find out how!!
JK I don’t know how to direct you to a different page so I’ll just tell you.
Choppin Onions like a Pro
A Tutorial In A Recipe On A Blog
-Slice onion right down the center of its sexy round body.
-With top fuzzy part still intact, cut in half through its fuzzy little dome of hair.
-Then run knife from dome piece to ends slicing to the board but leaving onion still intact by its thinker.
-Continue that along the entirely of the length of your mutilated man till you reach the last of his self worth and respect.
-Then chop the FUCK outta the slices you made going along the width. Did that even make sense? Maybe I’ll add some pics to help.
*Update- Didn’t have an onion in the kitchen. Didn’t have the drive to drive to the store. Y’all outta luck
Are we done? No? Fuck, okay….
- Red Wine. Yes. In your mouths. But also in your recipe you lushes!
- DASH of balsamic vinegar.
*Don’t get weird with that shit like I do. My man has finally learned that everything he eats will be dark purple because I have to drench it in balsamic. Ever had purple pancakes? We will save that for next week’s episode.
TIME TO COOK!
-I used a dutch oven (cue boyfriends giggles. Yes he is a 28 year old man. No it does not ever get old) because I just got one for Christmas and I had to use it at least once
-Sautee your expertly cut onion with some over priced olive oil because we fancy bitches. I don’t let them go on for too long because I like to keep them from getting too sweet in a dish that’s best kept savory.
-I then added my cubed Seitan (HAIL SEITAN!!) I cook it up with whatever seasonings my roommates haven’t depleted and saute till it has a bit of a crisp on the outside. Why? Because that’s what meat does and I am always trying to convince my boyfriend that he doesn’t miss it.
-CUE THE GARLIC!!! Best part of any meal.
-Cook and sniff and just really soak in the awesomeness that is garlic aromas
-Then when your garlic is just about to burn and shrivel, I add my “beef broth”. Remember the whole vegetarian proclamation? So Sprouts… Trader…No Sprouts has a Beefless Beef Bullion that I love. Follow the directions on the box and if you’re a glutton like myself, don’t follow the directions. BE A REBEL!! Use about half of the advised water.
-Stir it into your cooking Seitan.
-Add your fresh herbs, veggies, red wine and simmer for…. I think it was like 2 hours? I planned on 3 but the potatoes were perfect around 2 and no one likes mushy potatoes.
-I then added the balsamic and I am pretty sure some flour mixed with water to make it thicker…. But we will pretend like that didn’t happen.
-Serve. Gorge. Hate yourself. Fart in bed and avoid having sex with your partner because you’re too bloated to get ontop.
Super simple. Super yuppy. Super duper Beefless Beef Stew.
So who is ready for a drunken story?
*DISCLAIMER: I LOVE SoccerMom Blogs. I read them almost every day through Pinterest. Bitches are CREATIVE! But they also love dem Pop Ups and lets get real, Ill never be one of those women. So out of jealousy, I am gonna poke some fun. Love you, you clean and sparkly hoez!